


Just Keep Smiling

by Vulpes_Incendium



Series: Unawesome [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Character Study, Internal Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26976289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vulpes_Incendium/pseuds/Vulpes_Incendium
Summary: He is loved by everyone. He’s always in the centre of attention. He’s awesome. He owns the world.Things wouldn’t change as long as he keeps smiling, right?For @hetalia-writers-monthly, prompt: Laughters/Tears
Series: Unawesome [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969645
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12
Collections: Hetalia-Writers-Monthly





	1. Just Keep Smiling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a very weird fic, I don’t know how to explain this but please just go with it. Choose one of the characters above and put him into perspective, or you can read this first and see which character you imagine would suit the scenario. Partly based on real life events.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Raindrops dripped down his face, sliding along his jaw, gathering at his chin, awaiting gravity to pull them down. The coldness caused him to shiver a little but his skin was still warm from the alcohol he consumed. It had been a wonderful night for him and his friends, a fully successful night out he reckoned accompanied by his favourite beer at his favourite bar. They started off a bit awkward, having not seen each other for a long time. Social Media had indeed helped them stay updated with each other’s lives, but communicating in person was a very different story. 

He had held himself back a little, worried about being too overbearing as he saw his introverted friends sitting there when he arrived late, yet again. He had known them for years and they were very used to his loudness, yet a hint of fear still lit up at the back of his head. But thanks to alcohol, everyone started to raise their voices not long after and let loose of themselves. Being with his friends numbed his feelings and tossed his worries away, he loved it. He loved how his friends laugh at his jokes, laugh at him, it didn't matter which really, it's the smile on them that he treasured, the time when all the responsibilities and frustration would seem to vanish.

It’s his responsibility to make sure the atmosphere was good at every gathering, when his friends were happy, he’s happy, because that means he’s doing well at his job, it means his existence is worthy. And of course everybody loved him, how could they not? There’s never a dull moment when he’s around, he was able to turn any frowns into a smile. He considered himself magical, it’s a gift from god, so he had to use it well. He’s simply awesome.

Just from reminiscing the moment, a soft smile formed on his face. He swiftly took off his jacket as he stepped into his studio apartment, swinging the jacket a little to get rid of the rain. He turned and saw the dirty dishes piled up in his sink. _Ah, I’m too drunk for this now, I’ll do that tomorrow_. But all the bowls he used for his cereals were there, he would have to use one of those plastic containers he kept from take-aways. His friends always teased him about this, saying he’s a hoarder, _but climate change is a real issue, and why waste a perfectly fine container?_ _Oh well_ , anyway, the issue he had to deal with now was his thirst, so some water would be what he needed.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

 _Where is that from? Is it the shower? Or is it from the kitchen tap? No, it shouldn’t be the shower, it’s too far away, so…_ Slowly dragging his legs in this drunken state, he approached the sink with the help of the kitchen counter to balance. _Damn it_ , he once again forgot to call his landlord to fix it, it had been two weeks since the tap started leaking and he somehow always forgot to have it dealt with. Oh well, he couldn’t call now at 3 am, could he? He’ll do it tomorrow. 

He took his mug from the cupboard and held it under the tap, slanted, avoiding the dirty dishes, and turned on the tap. _Ah, finally, some liquid that doesn’t make him more thirsty or stick to his throat._ The water definitely got him sobered up a bit, though he could still feel the euphoria when he was surrounded by his friends, drowned in laughter, lifted by the effect of alcohol. If he could freeze time, that would be the moment he wanted to replay.

He refilled the cup and took a sip of the content. Ah and there it came. He rushed to the toilet to release himself, _oh how amazing the feeling was, free from the toxins and accumulated waste, it feels like all the negativities were flushed out of his system with them_. 

He would usually switch to the warmer side when he washed his hands, but the coldness of the water felt fresh, it’s exactly what he needed right now, though it felt like it could bring him back to reality, and he didn’t really want it. His face needed some freshen up too, so he splashed some water onto his face, not quite gently rubbing it. The chilly water melted his light-headedness together with the imagery of the party, it felt like he was taking off his armour, a sign of relief, although the price was the farewell to his fantasy. He wondered if that was how people feel like when they take off their makeup: girls, actors... _clowns_ …

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The water had taken up his body temperature and warmed up. He liked to let them dry up instead of wiping it with a towel. He heard that it’s good for your skin to let it absorb the moisture, plus the thought of an often-used towel touching his face… _eww, filthy_ . People might say that’s girly, _but hey, men should be allowed to take care of their skin too, and hell would he let anything ruin his handsome face, he has an image to keep okay?_ He laughed at the thought, _what exactly was he trying to prove? Who was he trying to impress? Ain’t nobody gonna tell him what to do! He owns the world!_

He looked at himself in the mirror, dark circles underneath his eyes, redness showing on his blood vessels. Well, at least he looked great in the pictures they took earlier, he thought, and his friends didn’t have to see this, but he probably should start using a concealer or something. _Heck, it’s the alcohol, definitely the alcohol_.

Hunger kicked in. Well that happened a lot, sometimes he could fight against it and go directly to bed, and sometimes, like tonight, he just needed something down his stomach. His stomach was rumbling so loud that he couldn’t just ignore it. He’s drunk, so it’s okay to omit the fact that sleeping right after eating may cause acid reflux and brushing your teeth after is not good for your teeth because they turned acidic and toothpaste is alkaline, it’s too harsh for the teeth. _Good grief, give yourself a break, won’t kill you once in a while, my man._ His own thoughts sometimes make him laugh. He searched the fridge, nothing that does not require cooking, _damn it_. Oh wait, there should still be a box of cookies behind the toaster, if he could just reach– 

Drip. Drip. Drip

Water was pouring all over the countertop. _For god’s sake_ . He had completely forgotten the cup of water he had left there. _For fuck’s sake, this again_ . He kicked himself in his mind, albeit being very used to it, he often forgot things when he left the room even when he was sober. The alcohol was still lingering in his bloodstream, but that was no excuse to it, he knew it. _Great, I’m fucking tired I just wanna sleep and now you’ve made a mess_. He sighed, oh well, what else could he do. 

He is clumsy, he is forgetful, and when the two combine, it’s chaotic, and it’s always chaotic for him. _But chaotic is great! It’s funny and it grabs everybody’s attention_ . Attention was nice, attention was what he lived for, even if he didn’t know it consciously. He belonged on a stage, he couldn’t live without it. _It’s a good thing, don’t worry, it’s a good thing! Oh wait, the water is still dripping_ . Sometimes he wanted to just leave it as so, _after a night the water would just evaporate, right? But mum said you might forget the puddle and slip on it. Oh well_ . He spotted the dishcloth hanging on the back of the chair. _Just make it quick, god damn it, grab the cloth and dry the table then you could finally get some sleep_.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

 _Argh. What the fuck? HOW?_ His brows furrowed as he saw the blood dripping down his hand. _Since when was the table corner so sharp? And how on earth did he hurt himself from doing such a simple task? How stupid could he be to make this happen? Why couldn’t he do anything right?_ Well, the one thing he did right today was providing jokes, he got to give himself the credit, you know. _But seriously, he just wanted to sleep, why couldn’t he just go straight to bed instead of making a mess? He always made messes, but come on, not on a night like this?_

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Memories and all the darkest thoughts burst out like a volcano, pumping his heart faster, heat soared across his body, waking up every cell he wanted to rest, the fume wreathed his brain, chaos engulfed his mind. It wouldn’t let go, it was only squeezing him harder and harder. He tried to smile. _His positivity was his best weapon, right? Nothing could ever bring him down… right?_ Apparently not. It wasn’t until he felt ticklish on his face that he realised tears had been falling uncontrollably, soaking his face wet.

He never cried. He never allowed himself to cry. He was supposed to be the strongest one, most optimistic one who could lend a shoulder to those who needed him. It’s not his job to cry. He was supposed to smile. He was supposed to make jokes, _be_ the joke, not this. He sometimes even forgot that he had the ability to cry. Why would he need to cry? His life was great, everybody loved him, he got all the attention he wanted. He was happy, he _should_ be happy. But would they still love him if they saw this pathetic scene? Making a mess on top of the chaos already existing?

He sometimes thought he should be an actor. How flawless his facade was to have everyone fooled, thinking he was the happiest person on earth? To have himself fooled that he thought he could live as it is? He had great imaginations. He could build an imaginary palace around himself, hypnotising himself to believe that there’s nothing beyond this paradise, _his_ paradise. Never could anyone understand him, but he could find space to fit them in, everyone’s invited, he didn’t need them to understand him, they just needed to be there. It’s beautiful. It’s amazing. It’s lonely. _It’s awesome_.

His legs were failing to support him, he let gravity pull him down. He sobbed, eyes tight, mouth wide open, desperately sucking in air, his body frantically tried to generate more heat as he felt himself shivering. It wasn’t a particularly cold night despite the rain, but the black hole in his mind kept imbibing the warmth in his soul and it was prevailing.

He smiled. He loved the irony. He knew the reality well, oh it’s too clear for him. He needed nothing to remind him that he belonged everywhere, yet he belonged nowhere. Of course he’s loved by everyone, but once his mask broke, once his scars showed, he would be loved by no one. _Who cares about him? Why should they care about him?_ He was a free show, and everyone was his audience. It’s his duty as he was given such talent, the talent to bring joy to everyone but himself, the talent of forgetting his own needs and desperation so easily. He treasured this, he really did. He didn’t need to face that ugly side of his and even when he did, he knew how to avoid it. He knew how to hide it in the shade, release it when he’s alone, glamorise it so that no one could see through the barrier. But that didn’t matter, what mattered was that everyone’s happy. He just needed to keep smiling. He doesn’t cry.

Clowns don’t cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @RandomW07 for beta-reading it for me! ❤️
> 
> This is very therapeutic for me to write and the Awesome Trio (which South Korea should totally be in) is my favourite trio, maybe because I relate to them? ENTP here!
> 
> Please comment below in which character’s pov did you read this in, I’m very interested in how it worked out for the different characters! I originally planned this for Denmark but I realised it could work for all four so I changed it. Are there any other characters you think would fit in this story?


	2. Clowns Don't Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Strong language, self-depreciation, please read with caution, very messy writing

Laughable.

Oh you thought you could ignore me for a while with your friends and drink till you numb your senses. I’m here, I’m _always_ here. Stop avoiding me, coward. 

Wow, congratulations for being the joke again. Your friends may be laughing now, but one day, one day they will be tired of your repetitive jokes and they leave your annoying ass for someone who's funnier and PUNCTUAL. Yes, that’s right. You saw their faces when you arrived, they were annoyed by you and your lack of sense of time. How the fuck were you late again for real? You’ve started preparing half an hour earlier than usual, and you’re still late. Now don’t give me any excuses, I know you way too well, you idiot. Keep going on like this, you thought they won’t mind anyway, they’d love you anyway because you’re so funny, then go on, don’t come back to me later and cry about your friends leaving you.

And wow who would have guessed? Dirty dishes piling up again! You are fucking filthy, you know. Yes, you could fake a nice image in front of everyone, but you can’t fool me. You’re a lazy, dirty bitch. You’re a fraud, that’s what you are. I’ll tear that mask off you one day, or maybe it’ll fall in front of everyone itself. Ha! You know what, I’d love to see that instead. I’d sit back and enjoy how you fall out of your fantasy one day, must be fun to watch. Fake it till you make it, you’ve definitely made it.

Laughable.

How could you be so forgetful. You had TWO WEEKS time to just make a simple phone call to the landlord to fix that dripping tap. TWO WEEKS, and you still haven't done it. Keep saying you’re busy, you know you’re at home doing nothing. You’re a big loser with no life, the biggest procrastinator, that’s what you are… 

_… Oh how amazing the feeling was, free from the toxins and accumulated waste, it feels like all the negativities were flushed out of his system with them_. 

… and don’t give me any excuses on that, don’t try to bring up any of your hypotheses. Nothing’s wrong with your brain, don't try to find a label to justify your behaviour, you only have yourself to blame. Period. Stop living in the past, come back to reality, say bye to your fantasy. Urgh, the water is dripping everywhere, gosh, clean it up, man.

Laughable.

 _… but hey, men should be allowed to take care of their skin too, and hell would he let anything ruin his handsome face, he has an image to keep okay?_

Hahaha! Oh my god look at your hideous face! Washing it doesn’t make it any nicer, my man. Why didn’t you put on a god damn concealer on that acne, and those fucking dark circles, you’re already ugly enough. Like, look at your friends, who need so much cover-up like you? Don’t you see how ugly you are compared to them? You can’t even choose a single photo to put on instagram. There’s a reason why you have so few likes compared to them…

 _… sleeping right after eating may cause acid reflux and brushing your teeth after is not good for your teeth because they turned acidic and toothpaste is alkaline..._

… No one fucking cares about you. Not you, not your face. You’re just a rental clown for free, people just want to hang out with you for free jokes. I mean it’s fair, they want entertainment, you want attention, it’s a win-win situation. I guess it works. Applause.

Laughable.

Hahahahahhahahhaha… The cup of water is right there! Didn’t you see it? You literally poured that five minutes ago! You've forgotten it already? Why are you so chaotic? You… _...but chaotic is great! It’s funny and it grabs everybody’s attention_ ... Yea, keep telling yourself that, keep sympathising yourself. You don’t deserve it I’m telling you, you are such a… ... _after a night the water would just evaporate, right? But mum said you might forget the puddle and slip on it…_ …hope that is a wake-up call for you, but wait, you never learn! Haha! How could I forget! My mistake, my dude, must be some special thing going on with your brain again, am I right? Geez, now go clean it up. Oh my god did you see his face… 

Laughable.

Hahahahahaahaha… And I thought you can’t be funnier. I’m sorry, I was wrong, you are indeed funny. Haahahhahahhaha… You’re an idiot! Got yourself cut from fetching a dishcloth! No words. Oh aren't you just special. Isn’t the pain great, you’re finally fully awake now. Don’t need no water for your drunk ass, I mean, not that you're that much different sober, you clumsy… _Well, the one thing I did right today was providing jokes_... Wow, you’re still trying to be positive at this point? Give it up man, who the hell are you trying to impress, it’s just me and you here, you're off duty now! Oh my god this idiot thought...

Laughable.

...

Are you fucking crying? Are you seriously cr…

_… my positivity is my best weapon, right? Nothing could ever bring me down… right? Then why..._

… ey, hey, hey, I'm talking to you! Stop trying to distract yourself from all those random thoughts of yours. I know you are doing this on purpose. Face me, coward. You never cried. You are not allowed to cry. Clowns don’t cry! Who the hell do you think you are, cr…

… _but my life is great, everybody loves me, I got all the attention I wanted. I am happy, I should be happy…_

… you knew this, I’ve told you all along. No one cares about you. Why should they care about you? No one would like you if you cry. You just need to put on that mask like I told you. See, now you’re hurting yourself. Stop giving yourself any hope, it’ll only make it worse… 

_… but they said they are intrigued with what’s going on in my brain…_

… they want to investigate you like an alien, wanna watch you at a zoo. Listen to me, I’m just saying this for your own good. No one would understand your weird-ass brain, no one wants to spend time understanding it, ain’t nobody got time for that! They just want a normal friend and you, the real you, are not their friend. Be honest with me, do you want them to see the real you? Showing them all the scars and flaws you have? Look...

_… Who cares about me? Why should they care about me? I’m nothing. I need to…_

… that’s right, I’m just trying to protect you, so just do what I say. You’re a clown and clowns don’t cry. So…

… **_just keep smiling_ ** _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written in the inner saboteur’s pov.
> 
> I didn’t intend this thing to be so long but there it is. Idk what I just wrote. Oh well.


End file.
